I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Randomize