Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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