4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
i think ur clone was at the club last week. she slapped some tall girl in the face who tried to steal her spot on the podium. i dont know if ur like her, but she seemd like a ninja badass with superpowers
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Randomize
