Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Randomize
