I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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