This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
Randomize
