I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
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