I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
He's totally hot and awesome. And he's a Democrat
Good, so he won't mind when you kill the baby.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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