well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
I think I just shit out all my problems.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Randomize
