Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
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