just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
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