Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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