I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
I just gift wrapped bread.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
