god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
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