Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
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