I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
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