I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Randomize
