I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
Randomize
