I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
