was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
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