i am fully taking advantage of taking advantage of him
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
