she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
What I dont get about To Catch a Predator is who the fuck still uses chat rooms?
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
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