yeah she is the one who tells people i beat girls.. which ironically make me want to punch her in the face
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
We need a shit load of segways right now
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Randomize
