I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
