She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
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