In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
Randomize
