ya dads aren't the best wingmen
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Randomize
