I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Randomize
