I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
What happened to fro yo and sex?
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
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