I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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