she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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