I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Randomize
