So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
Randomize
