watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Randomize
