Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
