Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
