Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
