And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
Randomize
