Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
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