My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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