i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
