i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Randomize