Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
We just shotgunned beers for America
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
Randomize
