Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
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