I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
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