Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
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