I was born with a shot glass in my hand
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Damn victory sex feels great
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