I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
I know her cup size but not her name....
Randomize
