i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
Randomize
