I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Randomize
