look no pants
oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
