From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Randomize
