Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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