So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
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Oh Jesus.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Randomize
