I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
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