Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
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