Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
Randomize
