when I scratched it gently some sort of watery looking stuff came out...so then I just stopped thinknig about it.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Randomize
