i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
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